Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
