I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
