I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
false alarm. still invincible.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
