I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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