I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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