my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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