You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
