she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
