I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
how drunk are you?
Several
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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