I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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