i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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