My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
