i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
