Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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