She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
OPIZZABONMYDICK
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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