Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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