Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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