Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
