Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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