Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
