The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
