I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
