she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
