Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
