I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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