Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
