No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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