I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
