I need to stop coming to work sober
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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