Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
