Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
