Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
