she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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