So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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