Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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