I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize