I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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