Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
