just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
