I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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