Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
