It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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