why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
