and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
