I got her a Nickelback box set.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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