I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
