You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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