it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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