Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
there is glitter all over my balls
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