So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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