you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
