she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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