Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
