There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
