when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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